My Daily Rant

Air hockey has to be the most addictive game ever. I lost about 12 straight games today, I eventually was throwing the handle, and throwing fits that made the baby watching me hold his breath. The game is so addictive especially when you are playing with all of your previous and current bosses and they make you feel like you are representing the entire black race.

Sweet.

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Since I have been talking about music recently I realized that I cannot deviate from a subject that is working. I also do not like to beat a dead horse unless it is Eeyore because that dude is drugged out as hell. (SEGWAY!!)

Lil Wayne is a crack head.

I do not understand where this persons popularity has come from. Lil Wayne is a sub-par lyricist at best with a handful of witty lines standing small amongst a plethora of weak ones. The over flowing amount of fluff in his verses explains that he cannot be trying as hard as he possibly wants too.

This man is always stoned but I cannot rule him out for just that reason. No one actually takes the time to listen to what this man is actually saying in each of his lackluster lines.

“I love a nigga who do what the fuck he want, just like I told you, Martin Luther King said we can do what the fuck we want, he do what the fuck he want, him and Bam Margera. What will Bam do next?” – Lil Wayne in Complex Magazine.

Why can I be paid to talk ignorant as hell for no reason? When can I be paid to put Martin Luther King and the “f” word in the same sentence?

I love ignorance at its finest. Believe me I do and sometimes I practice it in my rants (especially when I called Enrique Iglesias a salsa dancer just because he was Hispanic) but I do not understand this. Now before all of the well informed culturally sound hip hop heads come in here and call me a “hater” because I am “dissing” on their favorite “hood-nigga” rapper, listen to what you are actually listening to. I could write a Lil Wayne verse RIGHT now.

Nigga, I am nice

I am nice

No really, I am nice

I got that white makes my dick hard

Makes my lips black but my penis white

Don’t bite!

O snap!

The Xanex and Viagra pill kicked in

I am tripping falling in an out of sin

Rolling around on the floor with an erection so hard it could break the moon

But I zoom!

Vroom vroom

I got to take a shit I am going to call it doom.

I am not even going to talk about how subliminally gay he is. I will let the picture do all of the talking.

So I normally manage to fit a lot of crap up here and pass them off as announcements but today I will spare you people all of the crazy stuff that I normally write here. As of now, it is late but I am writing this out so people can wake up to it and read it nicely with a hang over and I cannot sleep for some outstanding reason.

Magnificient.

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Apparently in the year 2011 the Mayans (I cannot actually remember) predicted that the end of the world will take place. Although this is how it is interpreted, it does not always mean that this is, in fact, true. This is the desire of cynics around the world for the big shabazz to end on this day. Now if I was in an actual forum discussing this I would argue heavily on the opposite side of insanity but I will veer a sharp right for this rant. Would you like to know a sign of the coming apocalypse?

The Sidekick.

The sidekick has managed to take technology which was previously only for computers and place them in the palm of everyone’s hands. The Sidekick single handedly revitalized AIM and a spread like crack through the ghettos of the United States. The sidekick is the invention that will cause our downfall.

People who use the sidekick tend to have a delusion of grandeur. They think that they are the “shit” by using it frequently during other people’s sentences, during class, at funerals and weddings, or during your wife’s birth. The side kick has single handedly dominated and spat out everything Hooked on Phonics tried so hard to make main stream.

Instead of full sentences’ and aim speak, it turned into sidekick speak. “Hit me up on my “kick””. “HEY I am not a complete loser for having two phones WHICH CAN do the same thing and using them for each.” “The other day I was texting [insert mindless dribble hear] and I almost DIED?” THE QUESTION MARK IS NECESSARY. SO IS THE CAPITAL LETTERS AND PEOPLE TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS ON SIDEKICK TO LOOK “MORE HOOD”. Not only is all caps popular, ThiiS iiS ExTreeMlii PoPulArr.

How do you read that? I have no idea.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a person that is USING a sidekick? It is insane how they just manage to pay as little attention to you as possible. It would actually be easier to send them a message and wait the 30 seconds than to get an immediate answer.

BuTT ii GueSS ThAtt MeeAnS wE ArEE all ScreWWed?

Sake sucks. I am going to get that out of the way before I even continue writing this rant. It is a lot of fun but it sucks. I am WAITING for the headache that I am going to get when I wake up tomorrow. Actually no, I never get hang overs.

I am not going to ween off of Facebook in order to move to Blogspot because it is ridiculous to leave something that is currently working. However, I will post on both so you people can choose whatever suites your individual selfish styles. The site is www.jacqsdailyrants.blogspot.com so please try not to become aroused when you click to read it.

I tend to have that effect on people.

Now let us zoom into the dark space known as my rant…

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

That disclaimer is the only reason I am not deceased right now. Seriously.

Have you ever drove up to the gas station and asked for 5 dollars worth of gas? I have and I do not feel embarrassed by it at all. I feel that my money should be good no matter where I choose to shop even if it be Kmart or a gun store in Alabama (they let you use shopping carts there). Being the perfect college student allows me to emulate a homeless person. I never have money unless it is for something I DO NOT need.

Before I dive into that segment of today’s one-sided conversation, I want each of you to check your wallet. If the wallet you are holding has less than 30 dollars in it, you are broke. Credit cards do not count because smart kids should not be using them anyway.

Being broke has become the way of the student next to cramming, drunkenness, and watching a girl slowly deteriorate into a slut over an entire year. College students are the soul reason why foods such as Raemen noodles, pizza, and stale Chinese Food reign rampant amongst the other better and healthier foods. These foods are cheap and perfect for cheap college students and completely laxative free.

A college student is the person that hates going out to eat with a group of people because no matter how hard you try the check is ALWAYS short. We are the same group of people that haggle in a New York City cab even though the fee is displayed BLATENTLY right in front of you behind his turban or through his dreads. The people that made Natural Ice a popular beer and Georgi the vodka of choice. That is we college students.

You ever notice how schools will offer to buy your books back for 2% of what you bought them for and you do not hesitate to sell them and spend the money; but next semester you are scrambling to FIND enough money to purchase books? We do not save for anything.

As I stated before, we always have the money to purchase things we do NOT need. For example, you need money for food because you have traveled to the crappy dining hall enough during that day. Instead of using the money you have to eat, you would rather save it to get drunk at night. If you do not drink, you would save it to watch your friends drink or to hang out with your friends. If your parents pay for your books you inflate the actual amount that you need just in order to get a little extra money in your pocket. Payday (or lack there-of) is the greatest day of the week and everyone is happy; you would think it was the first of the month in the ghetto’s. That is the day you muster up enough courage to be denied by the girl that you stare at everyday in your class even though when the semester is over you will not see them EVER again.

Do you know those sites with cheap date ideas? That was made by a college student and the most common excuse for not going out is, “I am broke”.

Wahoo this will be the best four years of my life.

So I have an actual blog spot now and eventually (not anytime soon) I will ween off of Facebook and move on to bigger and better things. I probably will not since we all like to under estimate my laziness. Sometimes I am dedicated and most of the time I am extremely lazy. I try though and that is what counts right?

Right?

Now lets segway into oblivion!

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Today is not question and answer day but I must answer a question that was brought to my attention in my honesty box today (see I do read them).

“Jaques (spelled my damn name wrong) why do you dress so tight?”

There is no easy answer to this question. But I will say it.

Because it looks good on me.

Now most things look good on me. I could dabble as a drag queen and girls would still grovel over me but this dressing tight thing is what makes me, me.

My jeans are skin tight for a simple reason. I like the fact that my genitalia gets to rub up against my leg. How do I deal with this? Baby powder. It works wonders and I smell all cute and stuff.

However lets put it into perspective. You should dress your body type right? I should not see plus sized people dressing as tight as I do and skinny guys look retarded in goon-wear.

Goon-wear?

Ahh goon-wear. This is the style of dress which is popular among other black youth of today. The pants are down to my knees so everyone can see my Spongebob underwear. The plain white T-Shirt is what gets me laid with the women and the fitted keeps the whole outfit looking “fresh to death” and sadly most of the time it goes along with the tone of voice.

I wear tight shirts because I TRY to look brolic. I am actually weak as hell and I am a complete punk.

Always remember, Pants Off Dance Off.

See you guys tomorrow.

Later.

I had no April Fools rant, which I am astonished of my self for not doing. However, understand that I believe this whole month has to do with fools so do not be mad when I get you on April 18 or something. I am slick as hell.

If you read this and have something to say blow up my Honesty Box and we can have a little chat. I like talking to people in that so do not be hesitant. I have a few questions for next weeks question and answer lined up already.

PS – I really like Red Jumpsuit Apparatus do not ask why.

Moreover, we roll on…

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

I treat every rant as if I am writing an English term paper which would determine the fate of my ass (it catches a beating if the grades drop below 3.0). Normally a paper would have a hook (or heuristic – thanks April!) and that is how I manage to snag readers into reading this pile of steaming genius. Today has no hook I am just getting to the point.

I would rather go to a white bar than any other party.

That was very controversial things to say was it not? The following races are getting mad – Hispanics and blacks – the rest are just chilling right now because they are not known for dancing – Whites, Asians, The French (losing).

Let us put this into perspective.

Have you ever been to an African American club? It is hectic. I think that we revert to our monkey counterparts when we dance. We are wild and throwing bodies around everywhere. Women are passed around like bananas. Then someone decides, “Hey, I am bored as hell. Lets smoke some weed” and the weed comes out. Now it is already HOT, sweaty and HIGH in that place and then someone steps on another’s sneakers. The club hushes and falls to a lull. Then boom. A fight breaks out on the other side of the club. We all know it is not over sneakers but because one person accidentally rubbed up against another and being black we do not play that homo ish.

Stay away. Far away.

However, an Hispanic club experience is not much different. It is a lot drunker than you would expect. Now let us remember. Hispanics love to drink and they LOVE Coronas. Have you ever been to a communion? You can swim through the bottles laden all over the floor. They are everywhere. Now that we got that out of the way, it is intense. Meringue requires a lot of dancing and throwing of Hispanic women. Walking through that is like walking through a mosh pit. You are going to be punched. Salsa is on a different level on its own because everyone is trying to be Enrique Iglesias and Selena at the same time so people are getting tossed.

But what about white people?

The white experience revolves around either a bar or a rave and both entail the same alcohol and the same contraband. White people do not really “dance” they boogie. They dance to random songs that you would not normally dance too. When the bar plays “Move Along” by The All American Rejects and they dance you dance also and know that, you are either drunk or about to be roofied.

Planning for the bar is random.

After work it just starts with a, “LET’S GO TO THE BAR” and the drinking ensues. No shame is needed. When they get to the bar they fall into one of three white categories’ – 1. That Guy 2. Crying Girl 3. Sloppy. “That Guy” is the guy who fights everyone and stands on tables high fiving everyone. “Crying Girl” is the drunk girl who realizes the guy that brought her just wants to have sex. Hilarity ensues. “Sloppy” is the guy who throws everything around while stumbling on to the floor. Then they try to drive home and end up sleeping with a chick that most of the time is a man.

Now through all of these deductions I would rather go to a white bar than anything. Sweet.

See you tomorrow.