My Daily Rant

I had no April Fools rant, which I am astonished of my self for not doing. However, understand that I believe this whole month has to do with fools so do not be mad when I get you on April 18 or something. I am slick as hell.

If you read this and have something to say blow up my Honesty Box and we can have a little chat. I like talking to people in that so do not be hesitant. I have a few questions for next weeks question and answer lined up already.

PS – I really like Red Jumpsuit Apparatus do not ask why.

Moreover, we roll on…

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

I treat every rant as if I am writing an English term paper which would determine the fate of my ass (it catches a beating if the grades drop below 3.0). Normally a paper would have a hook (or heuristic – thanks April!) and that is how I manage to snag readers into reading this pile of steaming genius. Today has no hook I am just getting to the point.

I would rather go to a white bar than any other party.

That was very controversial things to say was it not? The following races are getting mad – Hispanics and blacks – the rest are just chilling right now because they are not known for dancing – Whites, Asians, The French (losing).

Let us put this into perspective.

Have you ever been to an African American club? It is hectic. I think that we revert to our monkey counterparts when we dance. We are wild and throwing bodies around everywhere. Women are passed around like bananas. Then someone decides, “Hey, I am bored as hell. Lets smoke some weed” and the weed comes out. Now it is already HOT, sweaty and HIGH in that place and then someone steps on another’s sneakers. The club hushes and falls to a lull. Then boom. A fight breaks out on the other side of the club. We all know it is not over sneakers but because one person accidentally rubbed up against another and being black we do not play that homo ish.

Stay away. Far away.

However, an Hispanic club experience is not much different. It is a lot drunker than you would expect. Now let us remember. Hispanics love to drink and they LOVE Coronas. Have you ever been to a communion? You can swim through the bottles laden all over the floor. They are everywhere. Now that we got that out of the way, it is intense. Meringue requires a lot of dancing and throwing of Hispanic women. Walking through that is like walking through a mosh pit. You are going to be punched. Salsa is on a different level on its own because everyone is trying to be Enrique Iglesias and Selena at the same time so people are getting tossed.

But what about white people?

The white experience revolves around either a bar or a rave and both entail the same alcohol and the same contraband. White people do not really “dance” they boogie. They dance to random songs that you would not normally dance too. When the bar plays “Move Along” by The All American Rejects and they dance you dance also and know that, you are either drunk or about to be roofied.

Planning for the bar is random.

After work it just starts with a, “LET’S GO TO THE BAR” and the drinking ensues. No shame is needed. When they get to the bar they fall into one of three white categories’ – 1. That Guy 2. Crying Girl 3. Sloppy. “That Guy” is the guy who fights everyone and stands on tables high fiving everyone. “Crying Girl” is the drunk girl who realizes the guy that brought her just wants to have sex. Hilarity ensues. “Sloppy” is the guy who throws everything around while stumbling on to the floor. Then they try to drive home and end up sleeping with a chick that most of the time is a man.

Now through all of these deductions I would rather go to a white bar than anything. Sweet.

See you tomorrow.